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Celebrity Death Match Round 4
"Cigarettes are Cancer-Sticks"
And yes, that is the opinion of the creator of this page.


Believer: We are back! This match is between Leonardo DiCaprio and Cigarette-Smoking Man VS Christopher Ralph and Tobias. It should be quite bloody, I believe. Lol, believe! BWWAAAAK! Grrr...stupid chicken!

Sidney: Fair is the match, it is not?

Jahar: *Sighs* Sidney, would you cut it out?

Believer: BWWWAAAK! Our mystery ref is...

Sidney: McBeal of Ally, it is, it is!

Jahar: Allyyyyyyy! Yay! Wait a second, I've never seen Ally.

~Ally McBeal steps up to the ring and bangs on Pigeon's head. DONG! The match begins...

*CSM blows a puff of smoke, blinding the two competators as Leo goes in for the kill*

Sidney: Fair that is not, where is McBeal of Ally?

Jahar9: Uhh, this is old, but she's clipping her toenails.

Believer: Yep, didn't Ghost try that once and fall through the floor?

Sidney: That she did, and AT THAT WILL YOU LOOK!

Jahar9: What? Oh, the ring....wow. Look at Christopher Ralph, he's ripping Leonerdo apart!

Believer: I'm glad we're on an elevated BWAAAKK, uhh, er, platform, and not in the first row.

Sidney: Agree I do, yes, mmmmm?

Jahar9: Am I the only one here that doesn't seem to have something odd about the way they talk?

Sidney: (back from the pool party going on in her mind) Agreeing I am, speak funny you do not, no fun are you. Happy I am that Chris Ralph is killing DiCaprio, yes. Yet strange that is...

Believer: What? What's strange? BWAAAKK! GRRR! That does it, this blasted chicken is going to the Smithsonian if he cannot keep his big beak shut!

Jahar9: Oh, you mean THAT's strange. The real Tobias is in his typical red-tailed hawk form and is attacking... ummm... Christopher Ralph.

Christopher Ralph: What are you doing, you stupid bird, we're on the same side!!!

Tobias: No one tries to steal Rachel away from me and gets away with it!

Christopher Ralph: Her name is Brooke Nevin, BROOKE, not Rachel! She's an actress!

Believer: Well, it's all over for DiCaprio. He's a stain on the DeathMatch Ring's floor.

Jahar9: Yup, and Cigarette-Smoking Man is standing in a corner by himself... smoking. What's this?

Sidney: A non-smoking arena this is, yes!

Believer: It sure is, and it seems that one of our guards has come in to take him out of the ring.

Sidney: Recignize her I do. Escaped from my head she has! FOR YOUR LIVES YOU MUST RUN!

Jahar9: Why, it's... Brooke Nevin!

Brooke: Christopher Ralph, you twit, I AM the real RACHEL! *morphs grizzly*

*Crowd screams and runs from the auditorium, some jump through to hole still to be patched that was created when Beliver sneezed PigeonMorph through the concrete*

Jahar9: I think I'm going to stay here, but there is nothing more to see. Rachel, or Brooke, or whoever, has stepped on CSM's cigatette, and he seems oddly familiar without that cigarette. Why, IT'S GRANDPA!

Believer: It is not, your grandpa is in my head.

Jahar9: No, that's just a common turkey!

Sidney: Mmmm? A personality he is also, is he not?

Believer: Hey, then I don't want this smelly turkey in my head. Off to the Smithsonian. *Believer removes the Turkey from her head, while Jahar9 runs over to CSM*

Sidney: Odd this is, scared I am....

Jahar9: Grandpa, get out of the ring, now! You're in danger!

Believer: *packages the turkey/chicken/guy in a crate and ships him off to the Smithsonian, but not before he pecks her on her nose. Now Believer is screaming and running around the announcer's box.* Rabies!!! I've got rrraaabbbiiieeesss!!!!!!

Sidney: Confusing this is, understanding I am not.

Believer: RABIES! Rabiesrabiesrabies!

Jahar9: Come on, Grandpa, now! Rachel's going insane!

Rachel/Brooke: HHOORRRAAAWWWAAAAARRRR!

Christopher Ralph: Heeeeeeellpp meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sidney: Ummm... HELP, SUPERMAN!

*Dean Cain bursts through the wall, creating another hole next to where Pigeon flew through it.

Sidney: Wow, Superman you are! Your autograph can I have?

Believer: Leonardo DeCapitated is done for. CSM is sitting there looking like the aliens aren't taking over the world, Tobias is flying into walls, Christopher Ralph is so stupid he didn't even know that Brooke Nevin was the real Rachel, and now Superman's here? This is too much. This match has gone wayyyyyyy out of control.

Jahar: Agreed.

Sidney: Autograph! Your autograph may I have, mmmm, yes?

Dean Cain: Knock it off. This little worm here has ticked me off wayyyy too many times! You're coming with me.

Dean Cain grabs CSM and hauls him out of the rink.

CSM: (calmly) I've seen presidents die. And I can always call on my trusty little helper, Diana Fowly, to help me out.

Believer: Grrrrr....that's it!!! No one ever mentions the name Diana Fowly in my presence! You little twit, I hate you and her!

*Believer runs over to CSM and grabs his neck. She squeezes as hard as she can. Then, McBeal of Ally...NO, I mean Ally McBeal runs up and pulls Believer off of CSM.*

Jahar: Hey, Believer, that's my grandpa!

Sidney: Only one up here at the microphone I am now, yes! Oh, my... attacking Christopher Ralph is Rachel/BrookeNevin! Scared he is, mmmm?

Tobias: Oh, shut up, I have HAD it with you and your Yoda-speak. If you were any other armadillo, I would kill you where you stand. (a little First Contact Warf thing)

Sidney: Sparing my life will you be since your girlfriend is one of those who sit on me, mmmm?

Tobias: Yeah, whatever. Just cut it out.

Sidney: Oh, OK. Just don't let Yoda find out.

Jahar9: She's not talking like Yoda anymore! We're saved!

*Dean Cain stops playing with CSM, Believer, and the rest and begins to sing that "Halleluia!" chorus song that no one with any real brains knows the name of. His singing is so bad that everyone in the building is incapacitated for a few moments, rather like the effect of a Howler's howl (#26, heehee). Finally, someone decides to take some action about this insane situation...

Jahar9: Grandpa!!! I'll save you!

PigeonMorph: Superman is my hero!

*Jahar9 runs over to CSM and "saves him" by jumping off the platform and doing a swan dive onto Rachel*

Tobias: That's it! I can't stand you anymore! You can't spell my name, and now you're dive-bombing my girlfriend like a Crow. Boy are those annoying.

Jahar9: Care I do not, but Sidney's place I must take as the talker of Yoda-talk.

Tobias: You're only doing that to annoy me. OK, 10.....9.....8.....7....5......7..uh! Ug! Counted the same feather twice.

Believer: Great, this all just figures. I will kill that buzzard of a jerk if it kills me first. Lies lead to the truth, I know.

Jahar9: Kill my grandpa you must not, though look like a turkey he does. And mean and terrible Fowley is not, misled and misunderstood she is. Excuse her.

Sidney: Excuse you! You think you can take my place? My place is my place and my place only.

Jahar9: Yea, oh?! A color Orange there is not, Mango it is!

Yoda: Become of this confusing prediciment what will?.....

Ally: Okay, well...I suppose that just about does it?

Believer: Grrrr...you anorexic lawyer! This is FARRRRR from over!

*Believer lunges at CSM again.*

CSM: You have not failed me. You are not like my son, so I will not execute you as I did him. You remind me of Fox Mulder.

Jahar: Mulder of the fish, it is, mmmm, yes?

Sidney: Mmmm...Mulder with a side of Scully sauce!

Believer: I don't care! I hate you and you should die!!!!!

Jahar: Ah, but my grandpa that is, mmmm? Kill him you must not, or a friend of mine you really aren't.

Ally: So, is all of this confusion settled?

Believer: Okay, I'll make you a deal, CGM Spender. Yes, I know your name too, CSM! You are not CSM, but CGM! Haha! The deal is: I will let you live if you will let me kill Fowley and if you will stop the invasion of Earth by those gish-durn aliens!

CSM: I cannot do that.

Jahar: My grandpa knows not of invasions of aliens, right, yes, mmmm?

CSM: Sorry, but I do. They are trying to reclaim the planet.

Rachel: Reclaim the planet? I don't think so! Let me at those guys! NOW!

~Rachel stops attacking Tobias and lumbers over to CSM (or CGM). Will Rachel be able to stop the invasion?~

Jahar9: Retake the planet they must not, fight them we must!

*crowd cheers, and everyone rushes from the auditorium to find and kill the aliens except Jahar9 and her grandpa*

*Jahar9 whips off mask*

Fowley: Well now, that worked, didn't it?

CSM: They're gone for now, but for how long?

Jahar9: *from her tied up place in the closet* You won't get away with this!

Fowley: We already have!

Jahar9: You know, you looked better with that mask on.

Fowley: Oh, put a sock in it.

Jahar9: It would help if I had socks and I could feel my hands.

CSM: You two shut up! We have work to do. Come on Fowley.

Jahar9: No!!!! You know they'll figure you out!

CSM: They'll be too busy with those "aliens" they're chasing. Ah, I love bioengineering.

*CSM and Fowley leave the building*

Jahar9: SOMEONE HELP ME! NOW! PLEASE!!! Please! Please?.....

*Later*

Jahar9: *from inside her closet* 59 million, 128 thousand, 402 bottles of pop on the wall, 59 million, 128 thousand, 402 bottles of pop! If one of those bottles should happen to fall...

Voice: Oh, all right, all right, I'll save you, if you'd just stop SINGING!!! I swear, this isn't Celebrity Death Match anymore, it's a Choir class. *the mystery voice opens the closet door. it is none other than...*
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(getting curious yet?)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(keep scrolling)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(and yes, i'm trying to annoy you)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(annoying peole is fun, n'est-ce pas?)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

(lol, this is enough, i think)

Ghost the Super-hero Wannabe! (boy, what a let-down after all that suspense, huh? heehee)

Ghost: All right, so Jahar, what are we going to do now?

Jahar9: We have to somehow get everyone back into the building. But how?

Ghost: I have an idea. I saw it on Pinky and the Brain. Sidney watches that show all the time. She keeps singing "They're Pinky and the Brain! Yes, Binky and the Stain! One is a geneous, the other is ME!"

Jahar9: Understanding I am. Insane she is.

Ghost: Oh, no, not that again!

Jahar9: More you must tell me about your plan.
 

*later...*

Ghost: T-shirts, get your free t-shirts, Celebrity Death Match! Limited time offer!

Jahar9: This doesn't seem to be working.

Ghost: Lemme try something else. *screams as loud as she can* Raw eggs! Get your raw eggs right here!

Jahar9: Hey, worked it did!

Sidney: Did someone say raw eggs? Me and Believer are going to egg CSM's house.

Ghost: You'd better explain, Jahar.

Jahar9: CSM really my Grandpa isn't! Really CSM he is! And pretending to be me Fowley was!

Believer: What? Fowley was pretending to be you? That does it! She is dead!

*Believer storms off to kill Fowley while the audience is sitting down and the place where the free t-shirts are is being crowded*

Jahar9: A big mess on our hands we may have, mmmm?

*Believer comes in, dragging Fowley by the roots of her hair*

Fowley: Ouch! Ow! Ouchies! OOOUUUUCCCCHHHH!!!

Believer: Oh, shut up, you twit!

Fowley: Let me go! I'm not really Fowley! This is a mask!

*Believer pulls off Fowley's mask, revieling...*

Sidney: Yoda? But he's over there, getting a t-shirt! Man, that extra-small's big on him! Hey, wait a min, has he been working out?

Fowley: Imposter he truly is, yes!

Sidney: The real Yoda wouldn't EVER speak without the Force of the Mighty Dangling Participle!

Jahar9: An imposter you are!

*Believer takes off the Yoda mask... revealing Obee Wan Kanobee... but that's just a mask! What the heck does she have under there? Let's see, masks, in order, of...

Tori Amos
Boris Cabrerasp)/Marco

Believer: What the heck is this?

Jahar: A conspiracy it is, yes, mmm?

Sidney: Who do you think it is under all of those masks?

~The thing keeps on taking off masks. After Boris Cabrera, it is...
Cindy Crawford,
David Duchovny,
Harrison Ford,
Gweneth Paltrow,
Monica Lewinsky,
Bill Clinton,
Jean Cretien,
Mike Harris (BOOOOOOO!),
CSM again,
Fowley again,
Jahar again,
Believer,
Pokemon Killer,
Sidney,
JM,
PigeonMorph,
John Travolta,
Sean Connery,
Nicholas Cage (Sidney takes that one off and keeps it),
Gillian Anderson,
Jennifer Aniston,
Brad Pitt,
Lisa Kudrow,
Samuel L Jackson,
Michael Jordan,
Spike Lee,
Wayne Gretzky,
Ghost,
Doug Gilmore,
Stephen King,
Dean Koontz,
Brooke Nevin,
Elfangor,

Finally, whoever it is gets to the very last mask. The person pulls it off. Everyone gasps. No, it couldn't be...

Jahar9: My gosh! It has even a smaller head than I thought! Ohh, oops, mean I do: An even smaller head it has than I thought.

Sidney: It scares Jahar so much she forgot to talk like Yoda! What is the world coming to!

Believer: Its an alien I tell you, its.....AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

PigeonMorph: *Walking by, talking to the David Duchnovy mask* Well, what was it? Answer me! Did you get shot first and then blown up, or blown up and then shot?

Believer: It doesn't have to end like this!

Sidney: Scared me into old habits this has.

Jahar9: My job this is, my place you will not take!

Believer: Settle it later, in the ring....after we figure out who's under all this, because this is obviously another mask.

PigeonMorph: Yes, it's you young spinach!

Jahar9: *Pulls off last mask* Its made of real skin. It's....

Believer: Its a rebel!

Sidney: A rebel of what?

Believer: It's an alien rebel!

Sidney: An alien rebel of what?

Jahar9: A rebel of the aliens it is, but do what with it we will?......

Believer: Hide it! Here comes CGM!

Jahar9: CGB I thought it was.

Believer: CGM!

*While Jahar9 and Believer are arguing over CSM's name, Sidney hauls the alien off to a hidden warehouse*

Jahar9: CGB it is, but tired of arguing I am. Do what will we now?

*Tobias flys in, chased by Rachel/Brooke in bear morph*

Rachel: You didn't want me, you stupid bird, you wanted to stay a hawk!

Tobias: NO I didn't, honest!

Rachel: Prove it!

Sidney: *Walks back in mulbling...* I am in love with a fictional character. He is not real. He is fictional. He is not real. I am insane. I need help. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLPP!

Jahar9: Help you do need, indeed.

Dean Cain: *flys in* Did someone call for he lp?

Rachel: I a m getting sick and tired of you. Lois is calling you. Me and Tobias are the only fictional characters allowed here.

Jahar9: Tobais and I it is.

Tobias: Yea!

Rachel: Toby, knock it off!

Believer: Uh-oh. She called him Toby.

Tobias: Ahhhhh! My name is not Toby!

Dean Cain: Well, I feel loved. Sheesh. I think I'll go save some kids from a nuclear explosion.

Sidney: Take me with you!

Dean Cain: Well, you'll get vaporized, but OK!

Sidney: OH, well, I can't be vaporized, all the personalities would be without a seat.

Dean Cain: Whatever you prefer. *flys off*

Jahar9: Hey! Pit Rachel against Tobias in the Death Ring could we?

Believer: Well, since this match seems to be over, why not?

Tobias: But I can't fight Rachel, I love her!

Jahar9: But make it match 5 we must, match 4 cannot have two fights.

Rachel: You love me? You LOVE me? Then WHY did you stay a bird you dork?!

Jahar9: Where's the dork?

PigeonMorph: *Points to Jahar9* Right there!

Believer: I don't think we can pit them in the death ring, they seem to be fighting already.

Rachel: Hurrrrrrrrawwwwr! *Charges Jahar9*

Jahar9: ACK!!! *runs*

Believer: *Falls down laughing*

Tobias: Rachel, I'm over here!

Rachel: HUUU... oh. Okay. *leaves Jahar alone, runs after Tobias. However, she can't see him with those bear eyes, and slams into a pole*

Tobias: *Morphs Human* Look in book 30-something, I'll probably turn human for good, okay Rachel?

Rachel: *morphs human* Oh I'm dizzy. Look at the purdy birdies. *Stands up and promptly falls down*

Tobias: *under his breath* What a blonde.

Rachel: I heard that Tobias.

Tobias: Huh?

Rachel: I love you too.

All: AWWWWWWWW!

Sidney: *Runs to the bathroom and throws up*

*Tobias and Rachel morph birds and fly off into the sunset*

Sidney: *Coming out of the bathroom, she bumps into Chris Ralph, who had been in the boys room for the same reason she was in the girls room* Oh, hi. Sorry to knock you down.

Chris Ralph: I heard you had a thing for Yoda.

Sidney: Oh, I used to, but he's too old for me.

Chris: Oh. Well, that's good, in a way. *winks*

Sidney: *Blushes.*

All: *peeks over hedges* AWWWWWWWWWWW!

*Chris and Sidney run off down the street, engaged in an interesting conversation*

Chris: So, which Marlon Brando movie do you think was best?

Sidney: Guys and Dolls, most definately Guys and Dolls.

Chris: *stops running* What do you mean Guys and Dolls? It was definately Streetcar Named Desire.....

Believer: Yup. This match is over. Next!

Go on, if you dare...: CDM 5