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Celebrity Death Match Round 5
"Back to the Weirdo"
(don't worry, you'll get the joke once you read)

Believer: And here we are, back at the nearly demolished Jahar9 Weirdo Arena. Now entering the ring are...

Sidney: Forgotten is the bubble gum!

Jahar: Remebered is the slurpy!

Believer: Yeah, whatever. You two are really, really gifted!

Sidney: It's NorZacIsTay, you idiot!

Jahar: And also NorZacIsTay!

Believer: The slurpy and the cow? I thought Mulder and Scully were in this one.

Mulder: We are. I had to take a cold shower. I smelled like horse manure.

Scully: Trust him, he did.

Mulder: Trust no one, Scully. How many times do I have to tell you? It didn't work for Deep Throat. Trust will not work! We cannot trust the aliens!!

Believer: Oh, God, let's not start that again.

All: Okay, we promise not to, Believer (angelic smiles)

Jahar: Well, let's get this match going!

~Scully and Mulder step into the ring. NorZacIsTay and NorZacIsTay stand facing them. Then, the mystery ref walks into the ring. It is....~

Jahar9: Hey, wait a can' really can't be!

Believer: Yes, how can this be, it defies all logic!

Sidney: Afraid I am that I am a tad bit lost. Watch X-Files I do not, know not do I who this person is.

Jahar9: Well, its..he's

Believer: He can't be here!

Sidney: OK, made it very clear you two have that this person cannot be here for one reason or another, but made it clear you have not who this guy is.

Jahar9: OK! Its,

(you're right Sidney, annoying people is fun)

.....I still don't see how it could be. How would David Duchovny be HERE, and be in the ring at the same time?

Believer: It must have been the aliens.

Sidney: Or be it could another mask fiasco.

Jahar9: I don't know what's going on here....but its fishy........

Believer: Stupid alien rebels, always cloning people and getting away with it...

Jahar: Oh, stop your grumbling!

Sidney: Look like that man in the ring, you do, mister, yes, mmmm?

D(avid)D(uchovny): Who him? Puh-lease! Don't insult me!

Believer: Ooooh, Jahar, do you see what this means? If Mulder is down there fighting the match, and Duchovny is here, then what is Duchovny doing? Nothing! I have him all to myself. Oh, I have been dreaming about this day for years.

Jahar: Uh oh. This doesn't look good. Believer has a habit of singing when she's nervous.

Sidney: Insult you I did not, comment I did.

DD: are a bunch of weirdos. Have you seen Tea?

Believer: Hey, you don't need Tea. She's always bugging you. I would never do that! Never. I would give you...

Jahar: Believer, snap out of it!

Believer: Oh, right thanks. Anyway...hi!

DD: Actually, I think I'm supposed to be reffing some sort of deathmatch.

Believer: (nods vigorously) Uh huh. Yup. Right this way. Can I ask you something?

DD: Sure

Believer: Can I either have your autograph or a kiss? Please? Or both? Sorry if I sound rude, but I have dreamed of meeting you forvever!

~Duchovny slowly backs away from Believer, when all of a sudden...Scully draws her gun~

Jahar9: *Screams*

Sidney: Against the rules that is, no handguns are allowed without a background check.

Scully: I don't know what's going on here, but it is not right at all.


Scully: Like I said, something is not right.

PigeonMorph: Scully, its me! Mulder! Those two are fakes!

*Scully turns and points her gun at Pigeon and DD takes the opportunity to run away, with Believer trailing not long behind*

PigeonMorph: Really! The real PigeonMorph only makes dumb comments.

Mulder (or is it?): It doesn't help that I was outside one day without any clothes on.

*Beleiver turns around and runs back to the ring*

Jahar9: You know, taking that is plausable that Mulder is Pigeon, and Pigeon is Mulder.

Sidney: Know that you would.

Believer: What's going on now?

Jahar9: I think Mulder and Pigeon switched places...

Scully: But how do we explain D.D. then?

Sindey: If only we knew....

Believer: Dang. I think I scared David off.

Jahar: David? You're on a first-name basis already?

Believer: Well...not exactly. So who is the real Mulder anyway?

Sidney: Know that we do not. Find out we must, yes?

Believer: Is it just me, or is that getting unbelievably annoying?

PigeonMorph: It's just you.

Believer: Oh yeah, and when did you go outside with no clothes on, Mulder? The least you could have done was told me!

Mulder: (sheepishly bows head) Sorry.

Scully: How about we give them a test to see which one is the real Mulder?

Jahar: Okay, good idea. I have no clue about your lives, so maybe Believer should make the questions.

Believer: Okay!

Sidney: Behind you stands a slurpy of the giant kind!

Scully: Oh, brother. You are not real! You are a figment of my imagination! There is no such thing as a giant radioactive slurpy.

NorZacIsTay: Wanna bet?

~NorZacIsTay picks up Scully and covers her with...cheese?~

PigeonMorph: I'll save you! I'

Mulder: Freeze! Federal Agent, I'm armed!

~NorZacIsTay, the cow, all of a sudden falls from the sky and lands on a bed that suddenly appeared out of nowhere, right beside Mulder. Who would save Scully? Would it be Mulder, or PigeonMorph? And which was which?~

*And the new narrator replies: Hmm, good question!*

NorZacIsTay The Cow: Here I am! Sorry I'm late. Had some business to take care of.

Mulder: What smells like a ferret?

Pigeon: Uh, that would be me!

Sidney: Notice did you that Mulder and Pigeon have the same amount of letters?

Jahar9: Yes, and someone has a fool's goat, its a pot-bellied pig.

Mulder: Ha ha!

Pigeon: What, what was that?

Jahar9: AH HA! Mulder is Pigeon, and Pigeon is Mulder, ladies and gentlemen, it's been proven for all to see.

Scully: Get me down!

Pigeon: I don't want to change back, I'm perfectly happy as a weird 13 year old girl who hangs out with Jahar9, makes fun of people, and smells like a ferret.

Jahar9: *Kicks "Pigeon" in the lift* Sorry Mulder, but you're going back, I can't go over to Pigeon's house if Pigeon is you. Its just not right.

Scully: You weirdos! Quit blathering your troubles and get me down from this radioactive slurpy!

Believer: I think the radioactivity is taking its toll on her mind.

Sidney: Get her down how will we?

Jahar9: Good question. *Turns to Pigeon* Any dumb ideas?

Pigeon: Huh?

Jahar9: UG! I can't live like this! Although, that was a very Pigeon-like comment.

NorZacIsTay The Cow: Ah, advice I have.

Sidney: *interrupts* Hey! Use the mighty dangling participle you cannot!

Jahar9: What? What should we do?

Pigeon: Besides feeding Believer pepper and making her sneeze again.

Believer: Hey, that isn't a bad idea.

Jahar9: No, not really....

Sidney: Look not at me, pepper in my back pocket I do not always have.

NorZacIsTay the cow: Pepper I have.

Sidney: It that is! Replace either Mulder or Scully I will, for getting severly on my nerves you are!!!

Mulder (who is really Pigeon): *Sighs* That's Hanson for ya.

Pigeon (who is really Mulder): Oh, just give the girl the pepper already.

Believer: *takes the pepper from NorZacIsTay the mad cow and snorts it* Um... better back off... this... one's going... to....


*Believer is blown backward at an incredible speed. However, she does not hit the wall of the DeathMatch arena. Instead, she is simply knocked unconscious. When she comes to, she is in the arena, but it seems to be deserted.*

Believer: What the... what happened? Jahar? Pigeon? Sidney? MULDER??? And there aren't holes in the walls, so I can't have blown them all outside. Only Pigeon's hole is still there from the sneezing competition.

*Then, Believer hears a faint banging noise and a muffeled screaming coming from a closed door. She goes to open it and inside is...*

Believer: Jahar? What are you doing here?

Jahar9: Believer! Thought I did that gone to chase the aliens you were. Put on a mask of me Fowley did and CSM, i mean, CGB is not my Grandpa. Really CGB he is!!!

Believer: Huh? I thought this storyline was over.

Jahar9: Mean what do you?

Believer: Hmmm... what does this all mean? Hold on, lemme try something. *Believer climbs up the wall to the top of the DeathMatch arena, goes into the ventilation system, and presses a button that says: refresh. She then climbs back down.*

Jahar9: Ok, doing what were you?

Believer: Drat! It didn't work. Jahar, I've been pushed back in time, do you know what I'm supposed to do?

Jahar9: Pushed back in time were you? Possible this is not.

Believer: But NorZacIsTay the slurpy had Scully and I sneezed with the pepper NorZacIsTay the mad cow had and...

Jahar9: There your problem is. The pepper NorZacIsTay truly a flux copassitor was. When you sneezed, reach 88 miles per hour you did, and send you back into time it did.

Believer: Ahhh... but how do I get back?

Jahar9: Know that I do not. Only once have I seen Back To The Future, unclear the details are.

Believer: URG!!! *finds a refrigerator to bang her head against...*

Meanwhile, in the present:

Mulder: Where's Believer?

NorZacIsTay the Cow: Ha ha! One commentator down....two more to go!

Jahar9: I'm having weirdo memories.

Sindey: Weirdo memories you always have!

*Back in the past*

Jahar9: Know what to do I do not...

Believer: Well, if we're in the past, maybe I could get back the same way I got here.

Jahar9: Summon NorZacIsTay the cow how would you? In the future he is, in the past you are!

Believer: This just stinks!

Jahar9: Stinks! That's it! Like the Sario Rip, only different!

Believer: Cheese is like butter only different!

Jahar: That it is, but I'll explain my idea now. Quick we must be, because if the you that exists here now finds you....well, according to past won't be good.

*Back to the Future (Sorry, couldn't resist the bad pun)*

Jahar9: I think I know where Believer went!

Sidney: Where?!

Scully: You know, I don't like being ignored up here.

Narrator: Ok, NorZacIsTay, drop her, its hard enough to write with only two announcers...

*Of course no one heard the narrator, because she was out of the story.....

*The Past (~singing~ dum, dum, DUUUUUUMMMMM!!!)*

Jahar9: Explain my plan to you I will. Sneeze you must once more, but in reverse you must sneeze this time.

Believer: OK, so, how the heck am I supposed to sneeze in reverse?

Jahar9: Ahhh... know that I do not.

*Ghost makes dramatic entrance. In other words, she runs in holding her hands over her head and making sounds like "woosh! whee! walla-walla-wallooooo!" Well, not exactly, but you get the point.*

Ghost: Whew, took me long enough to transport out of the floor, dontcha think? Anyhoo and however, what's going on?

Believer: I got sucked into the past when I sneezed by inhaling flux copassitor pepper, and now I have to sneeze in reverse.

Ghost: *with her hands, squashes face into a Bajoran nose-type thing* I see. Actually, I don't really see, cause my eyes are clouding over right now. Hold on. *lets go of face* All right, here's what you do...

*Future tense (gosh, I hated going over that in English)*

NorZacIsTay the Slurpy: Oh, quit your whining, you big redheaded baby.

Scully: Let me go! Let me go! Mulder, I want this thing shot to iddy-biddy pieces.

Pigeon: Ummm... sorry, Scully, PigeonMorph has my gun... uh-oh... that's not good...

Mulder: *smiles evilly*

Jahar9: OK, I've got a rule of life right here....never let me start a car after a can of Pepsi, and never, NEVER, give Pigeon a gun!

Sidney: See that we do. Obvious it is.

Jahar9: *Walks around behind Mulder whistling with her hands behind her back* *Thinking..* Hmm, now, where do fishy FBI agents keep their weapons? Boy I wish Believer was here. *Grabs at gun* AH HA! Oh, ooops, that figures, I missed.

Sidney: Get away you must!

Jahar9: Huh?

Mulder: Hey! *Aims gun at Jahar9*


Mulder: *Shoots* Oops?

Sindey: Oops? That's all you have to say for yourself?

Jahar9: Ouch....

Sidney: Notice did you that Jahar9, Mulder, Pigeon, and Sidney all have the same number of alphanumerics?

Scully: No one cares you overgrown Dasypus novemcintus!

Sidney: Technical you are getting, aye? Well, the name of yours has also 6 letters.

Scully: I can count the number or letters in my name thank you!

Mulder: Are we in Nevada?

Jahar9: Huh? Oh, you know, I don't think I'll ever get used to this. I can't carry on converstions at school because of Mulder being Pigeon! And this...I can't be a commentator either. Ya know why? There's no fight! And my "friend" is in the body of an FBI agent, and the FBI agent is in the body of my friend, who has to go to school with me! AHHH! Believer would know how to fix this, she's the only one without nine letters in her name. *gasps and falls over*

Sidney: Dead is she?

NorZacIsTay the cow: Two down....

Scully: Poor Queequeg...

Sidney: Her name was not Queegueg!

NorZacIsTay the slurpy: Scully has gone into shock, and it looks like it's just you.....and us! *laughs evilly*

(In the past...)

Jahar9: Now, the answer I think I have, future Believer...

Believer: Hurry with it.

Ghost: Here, take this! *hands Believer a piece of fuzzy cloth*

Jahar9: Hey, wait we must. What is that noise?

*Future Jahar9 crashes through the roof*

FJ9: OOf, hmm, for a moment there I thought I was dead...

Believer: Jahar9? *Looks from FJ9 to PJ9, to FJ9 again* Oh boy, this is getting really confusing.

FJ9: Hey, what am I doing here? And where's Pigeon, Mulder, Scully, both NorZacIsTays, and everyone else, and how'd you get back, or am I back?

PJ9: In the past you are, remember this phase you do not?

FJ9: Oh, I remember it. How are we supposed to get back?

Ghost: How did you get here?

FJ9: Pigeon shot me.

Believer: You mean Mulder?

FJ9: Whatever, I'm just really confused right now.

Ghost: Hate to bring up the technicalities, but how would someone get shot backwards...or sneeze backwards?

PJ9: Well, better than one is 4 heads, so perhaps figure out our prediciment we can.

(The Present, or Future....OK, so I'm confused)

Sidney: Stuck here alone I am...just great this is.

NorZacIsTay the cow: Isn't it though? *Hops off his couch*

NorZacIsTay the slurpy: *Drops Scully* She was getting to be a pain to hold.

Scully: I'll show you a pain!

Mulder: What are we supposed to do now?

Sidney: Without you fine we could do, all your fault this is!

NorZacIsTay the cow: No, all her, I mean his..or is it her? It's not all Mulder's fault, ha ha! I loaded his gun with bullets that send people back in you're a little lucky, Jahar9 is with Believer, if you're not lucky, she could be eating broccoli with the Mercora.

Sidney: Continue to fight the match should we, or look for Believer and Jahar9?

Pigeon: I have an itch to take those two out!

Sidney: Well, then, looks it does that the match will go on, and commentating it will be only I.

Mulder: I could help, I have nothing better to do.

Sidney: OK, and lets just hope that Believer and Jahar9 can find their own way back.....

Believer: Okay, past Jahar, I need you to do something.

PJ9: Yum hum. What?

Believer: You have to shoot FJ9. But you have to shoot her backwards.

PJ9: I think I can manage that.

Ghost: What do you mean, "I think I can handle that"? It's impossible! You simply cannot shoot somebody backwards.

Believer: Oh, stop being such a spoilsport. You can too. We'll prove it. I can sneeze backwards, too.

Ghost: Go ahead. This I have to see.

Believer: Jahars, you guys ready?

PJ9&FJ9: Yuppers.

Believer: On the count of three, I will sneeze backwards. Then, a few minutes later, Past Jahar will shoot Future (Present?) Jahar. Okay?

PJ9&FJ9: Yuppers.

Believer: 1....

!!!OOOOOOOOOHC-HHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAA ~Believer sneezes backwards and is immediately zipped back into the future, which is the present to her.~

Ghost: Wow, she did it. I can't believe it. Now Jahar is going to shoot Jahar backwards. My life is gifted.

Past Jahar9: Ready, me?

Future (Present, whatever) Jahar9: Ready, me!

~Past Jahar pulls a gun out of the air, and aims it at Jahar's back. She pulls the trigger...


Jahar is swept back into the future, which is the present to her, where she finds...~


Jahar9: AHH!

Believer: Are we back?

Sidney: The noise is what?

CSMonkey: *puff, puff*

Sidney: Right you are! Back Jahar and Believer are!

Believer: Well, besides being totally lost in the story line now, we're back. Any progress on the personality switch yet?

Jahar9: We were actually hoping you'd know how to fix it.

Scully: At least I'm away from that dumb slurpy!

NorZac the S: Oh really, you liked your little ride? I'll gladly give you another one!

Scully: No!

Jahar9: Hey, in order to start the fight, everyone has to be where and who they're supposed to NorZacIsTay of the slurpy kind, leave her alone untill then. Meanwhile, we have to figure out who switched Mulder and Pigeon, and where D.D. came from.

CSMonkey: *PUFF, puff, puff*

Sidney: Admits it he does! Do it how did you?

CSMonkey: *puffpuff, Poof*

Jahar9: Howcome Sidney is the only one that understands that?

Believer: I don't know, good multi-language skills?


Mulder: He does? Hmm.

Jahar9: Pigeon, shut up right now, you're useless, you didn't even give me a greeting!

Believer: Hey, why didn't they greet us?

Mulder (who is Pigeon): Oh, you know.

Pigeon (who is Mulder): We were sort of busy trying to figure out how to switch back. Sunflower seed?

Mulder: La di do da day!

Believer: Well, How am I supposed to know how to switch you back? You need to get that spacecraft thingy and make it malfunction again, or something. But maybe...

Believer runs off to a corner of the stadium, trying to think up a solution.

Sidney: Clear the smoke-signals are, yes, mmm?

Jahar: Yeah, to you. What is that Monkey saying?

Sidney: Telling us a story of bravery and danger, he is.

Jahar: Do tell.

~And so the monkey began his tale, with Sidney translating it. Then Jahar would translate Sidney's language. The monkey began...~

CSMonkey: *Puff, poof, plaph, puff, puf, puffpuffpuff*

Sidney: Upon a time once lived weirdos in a bunch. From far and near they were.

Jahar9: She says there were a bunch of weirdos that came from near and far.

Believer: Hey, we know this story don't we? They pick their noses?

CSMonkey: *Pop, puff*

Sidney: Right you are.

Jahar9: She says he said you're right.

Believer: I think you can quit translating. to switch them back.

Jahar9: Are we even sure it was a space ship that switched them?

Sidney: Ask them why don't you?

Believer: Why didn't I think of that.

Jahar9: Hey Pigeon, how did you get switched?

Pigeon: You mean Pigeon/Pigeon, or Mulder/Pigeon?

Jahar9: I meant the person that looks like Mulder.


Believer: You were switched by pink frilly underwear?

Pigeon: She is obviously off her rocker!

Scully: This is several X-Files in one.

Believer: No need to mention it.

Jahar9: Wait a second, two X-files in one? We won't have enough time. Does that mean the dreaded words..To Be Continued?

Pigeon: Not yet.

Sidney: Switched how were you, Pigeon/Mulder?

Pigeon: I don't remember...

Believer: I've got it!! Someone...find me the Cigarette Smoking Man.

Jahar9: You sure?

Believer: Wait, he's not the one we want.....yet.

Sidney: Who then?

Jahar9: What are you planning?

Believer: I think it was hypnosis.

Sidney: Hypnosis?

CSMonkey: *puff, puffpuff*

Sidney: Know what hypnosis is I do!

Jahar9: That little monkey just insulted Sidney, that can't be good.

Sidney: Another deathmatch this would be!

Believer: Can we fix this one first??

Jahar9: Gladly, so, what's your plan?

Believer: I think they were switched somehow by hypnosis. We need someone to undo what was done then.

Sidney: YODA!

Jahar9: Yoda knows hypnosis?

Believer: I think Sidney thinks Yoda knows everything.

Sidney: He does!

Jahar9: Well then, looks like the next match will be Sidney vs. CSMonkey and Beleiver.

Sidney: Plan the next match we must not. Finish this one first we must.

NorZacIsTay the Cow: I can get Yoda for you.

Jahar9: And we can trust you?

Pigeon: Trust no one. I'll go find Yoda.

Jahar9: And I say again, and we can trust you?

Scully: You know, besides Mulder, I think you're taking that "Trust No One" thing too far.

Believer: It's no use arguing with her, just send her to find Yoda.

Sidney: Come with you can I?

Jahar9: OK.

*As Jahar9 and Sidney walk through the auditorium filled with half-asleep people and out the door, suddenly......

...Yoda walks in, along with Chewy.


Believer: How come he's got Chewy with him?

Jahar: Beats me. But that saves us a trip across the universe, anyhoo.

Believer: Okay, so, Yoda, you know hypnosis, right?

Yoda: That I do.

Sidney: ~sighs~ My hero you are...

Yoda: Speak very much like me you do, yes?

Sidney: Try I do!!

Believer: I hate to break up this...odd...couple, but we have to get Mulder and Pigeon switched back.

Yoda: Have changed their places, Mulder and Pigeon, mmmm? Hypnotized they were, yes?

Believer: Yes, and you have to get them back.

Mulder (who is Pigeon): Awwww, but I like being an FBI agent!

Pigeon (who is Mulder): Switch us back, please. Now, if you can! I cannot stand to be in this body any longer.

Believer: But Pigeon, you are not Mulder. You only think you are. Never mind.

Jahar: So, can you do it, Yoda?

Sidney: He can of course! Anything can Yoda do, anything!

Jahar: Oookay...anyhoo and however...

Yoda: Change them back I will.

~Yoda brings out the Mighty Dangling Participle. He swings it in front of Mulder and Pigeon, back and forth, back and forth...~

Sidney: (hushed, awed voice): Wow...the Participle!

Yoda: Back you are, in bodies of your own. Pigeon is Pigeon, Mulder is Mulder. May the force of the Mighty Dangling Participle be with you!

Pigeon: Darn, I'm me again! Oh well, at least I have smelly feet!

Mulder: Ah, it feels good to be back.

~Mulder runs up to Scully, hugs her, says "I'm me again!" and gives her a great big smacker on the lips!~

Scully: Mulder, are you on drugs?

Sidney: And a very good question that is.

Pigeon: Morphine!

Jahar9: Yea, good to have you back too. Just one question, how is the Mighty Dangling Participle a thing you can take out and hypntize people with now?

Sidney: Just a Yoda thing.

Jahar9: I guess so.

Mulder: Hey! Can we start the match now?

Believer: Where's NorZacIsTay the cow?

Jahar9: I don't know, there's his couch...

Sidney: There he is! A tax form he has.

Jahar9: He's reminding us to pay our taxes...oh pooo! We have no money! How on earth are we ever going to pay our taxes?

Believer: We've been waiting long enough to start this match, so let's get it over with, then worry about our taxes.

Sidney: Start the match now we shall, places everyone!

Jahar9: Alrighty Ladies and Gentlemen! We are finally ready to start this match.

*Croud cheers*

Believer: Hey, where's our mystery ref?

Jahar9: Oh man! We missed a problem didn't we?

Dark Voice From Beyond: What will become of the Weirdos and their ill-funded deathmatches, and what is the true story behind D.D.?

Jahar9: Ruthelford, shut up and go tend to your neglected infomercials!

Ruthelford: Awwww.

Sidney: Ask for an explanation I won't even bother.

*D.D. walks in*

Believer: *Whispers to Sidney* Someone must be tired of solving problems tonight.

Narrator: I HEARD THAT!

*But no one heard that*

Jahar9: How convenient, look, it's D.D.

Believer: *Sighs*

Sidney: Look, and with him Yoda is! *Sighs*

Pigeon: NorZacIsTay the slurpy is so cute! *Sighs*

Jahar9: NO MORE LOVE CONNECTION! D.D. just reff the match!

D.D.: Are we finally going to start?

Believer: Looks like the first in the ring is Mulder.

Jahar9: Doesn't look like this is going to be a tag-team match. Maybe both whole teams at once!

Sidney: Doing that they are.

*Scully jumps into the ring*

Believer: The NorZacIsTays are certainly taking their time here. I wonder what's keeping them.....

Sidney: Drinking up NorZacIsTay, is NorZacIsTay!

Jahar: She's right! NorZacIsTay the cow is sipping some slurpy from NorZacIsTay the slurpy!

Believer: Is it just me, or do these matches get weirder and weirder?

DD: I am going to have to ask you two to step into the ring and get on with the match.

Believer: ~Sighs~ Wow. A refferee that actually does something...

NorZacIsTay and NorZacIsTay step into the ring.

Sidney: That is what??? Growing is NorZacIsTay!

Jahar: Holy cow, the cow is growing!

Believer: It must have been the radiation from NorZacIsTay the slurpy.

Yoda: A fair match this is?

Jahar: We'll have to wait and see.

Believer: GO Mulder, GO Scully! You can do it! I know you can! Come on, kick some cow and slurpy butt!

DD: Sooo...let the match begin!

DD bongs Pigeon's head.

Pigeon: OW! Butter! You smog-head!

~The match begins. Mulder looks NorZacIsTay, the cow, sqare in the eye. Scully sticks out her tongue at th slurpy.~

Sidney: A score to settle with the slurpy, Scully does have.

Believer: Yeah, and I bet Mulder's ticked at that cow.

~The two pairs stare at each other from across the ring. Let the match begin...

Jahar9: Amen!

Believer: Mulder and Scully are advancing on the NorZacs..

Sidney: An advantage they have, smaller they are, and more weapons they have.

Jahar9: Whoa!!! Scully, look OUT!

Sidney: Smash Scully NorZacIsTay the cow will!

Mulder: Stop!

NorZacIs the C: Huh?

*Scully runs from under NorZacIsTay the cow's foot*

Believer: Pheww, that was a close one.

Sidney: A close one that was.

Believer: I just said that!

Jahar9: And, in the match...Mulder has drawn his gun on a piece of paper. Not a bad artist I may say.

Sidney: Say you may, but what will he do with that?

Believer: He's autographing it.

Jahar9: Why???

Sidney: Strange these FBI agents and radioactive mutations are.

Pigeon: Ditto!

Jahar9: Odyssey of the Mind.

Sidney: What?

Jahar9: Never mind.

Believer: Scully just drew her gun!

Jahar9: What? I thought Mulder took the last piece of paper!

Sidney: A distraction that was, duh?

Yoda: Mix duh does not with the force of the Mighty Dangling Participle! Shunned you are!

Pigeon: *laughs*

Jahar9: Hey, that wasn't nice!

Believer: OK, since I'm the only one paying attention to the match here, it looks like Scully has blown sever holes in NorZacIsTay the slurpy! The slurpy-juice is leaking out of big holes...and she'd better get away from there, or she'll get splashed with the radioactive goop.

Jahar9: Radioactive goop? Where? Ooooo, there!

Sidney: Fight for my right to free use of the Mighty Dangling Particple!

Believer: Later Sidney.

Sidney: Awww, but I have to talk normal until then!

Pigeon: Take as long as you want!

Jahar9: Don't say anything if it's not useful!

Sidney: Oh my BOB!

Jahar9: What have I said before, it's my Bob.

Sidney: Oh well, and anyway, Scully has fallen through the floor and NorZacIsTay is beginning to spin around like a lawn sprinkler!

Yoda: Changed my mind I have. Weird you sound talking normal.

Sidney: Thank you I do.

Believer: Scully, hurry! Get out of there!......

Mulder: Hang on Scully, I'll save you!

Scully: Why do you always have to do the saving? Because you're the big macho man? I can save my own money!

Believer: Uh oh, it looks like the radioactivity is going to Scully's head! C'mon, Scully! You can do it! Use the power of science!

Jahar: Uh uh, here come NorZacIsTay the cow! He's headed straight for Mulder!

Believer: Since when was the cow a "he"?

Jahar: Since I said so.

Believer: Oh.

Si dney: Pulled herself up from the floor, Scully has!

Yoda: Yes, but leaking radioactive goop NorZacIsTay is.

Jahar: What's this?

Pigeon: The opposite of "that"

Jahar: No, I mean the full decontamination suits that just came out of nowhere!

Believer: Yessssss!

~Mulder and Scully quickly pull on the suits.~

Jahar: Oh, and there goes the goo, towards NorZac the cow! He'll be radiated.

Believer: 'Fraid not. He drank from the slurpy before, remember.

Jahar: Yeah, I know. But cows have very resiliant digestive systems. Their skin is more vulnerable.

Believer: And you would know this, how...?

Jahar: Trust me.

Mulder: TRUST NO ONE! Didn't Deep Throat teach you all a lesson?

Sidney: The advantage Mulder and Scully have. Protect them will the decontamination suits.

Believer: Yeah! C'mon, kick some cow and slurpy butt!

Sidney: Know I did not that slurpys had butts.

Norzac the S: Humph! Shows how much you know. I have a mouth to talk, after all.

Sidney: *grumbles sarcastically* Yeah, and Scully believes in UFOs and Mulder doesn't.

Believer: Hey, I thought you knew nothing about X files!

Sidney: *smirks* Connections have I. Living in my head today is Aimes, Scully's protege she is!

Scully: What the heck is that girl doing in an armadillo's head????

Mulder: Scully, watch out!

Scully: Watch out for what? The slurpy's leaking, we're wearing the suits, and the mad cow's starting to chase his tail.

NorZacIsTay the mad, enlarged, glowing Mango cow: Gotta get the tail, gotta get the tail, yupyupyup!

Mulder: C'mon, Scully. Let's finish these lame excuses for aleins off, then I'll buy you dinner.

Scully: I told you before, they are NOT ALEINS!!! There is a reasonable scientific explanation... for a slurpy to have a butt... but anyhoo, let's blow these suckers to KingdomCome!

Sidney: See Brock aquire. Aquire, Brock, aquire.

Yoda: Radiation I believe Sidney is getting into her system. Digressing into her Ferengi child-like stage she is.

Jahar9: Oh, boy.

Sidney: Boy!! Jason!! *laughs histerically*

Jahar9: Ummm... yeah. I think she's had too much sugar. Take that cake away from her, Chewie.

Chewie: RoooooaaaaaR. (Translation: Yeah, right, you outta yo ever-lovin mind.)

Yoda: Chewie, behave!

Believer: Mmmm. Meanwhile, Mulder and Scully are shooting the NorZacs over and over, but it doesn't seem to be working.

Mulder: Uh-oh. I'm outta bullets, and that cow's not chasing his tail anymore... ummm... help?
*Dean Cain and Teri Hatcher burst into the auditorium*

Dean: Someone call for help?

Jahar9: Not this again...

Mulder: We can handle this.

Believer: You just called for help!

Sidney: No bullets you have!

Mulder: We have decontamintaion suits, don't we?

Jahar9: Hey, where did those suits come from anyway?

Pigeon: A half-off sale at Al's Bargain Outlet.

Scully: My suit's leaking!

Jahar9: There's a big surprise.

Believer: This is definately not good!

Jahar9: Definately not, and HEY! Look! NorZacIsTay the Slurpy is trying to spray us!

Sidney: No more suits there are.

Pigeon: There's no use even having a suit, they all leak.

Jahar9: Hey, something's wrong, Pigeon hasn't said one dumb thing in this addition!

Pigeon: I smell like a ferret!

*Yoda whacks Pigeon over the head with a frying pan*

Sidney: Go Yoda!

Jahar9: Finally someone shut her up.

Teri: Your feblness is staggering.

Jahar9: You know, you just sounded a lot like Ivan Oze from the second Power Rangers movie. Or was it the third?

Believer: You actually WATCHED that?

Scully: POWER RANGERS? You watch Power Rangers?

Jahar9: My sister's obsessed with them, OK?

Sidney: Weird your sister is.

Teri: Howcome we always find ourselves with a bunch of weirdos?

Dean: I don't know, but I'm out of here.

*Dean flys out one of the many holes in the wall, while Teri walks out the door*

Mulder: Alright, they're gone!

Believer: Her comes NorZacIsTay the cow. He's gonna get Mulder!

Jahar9: Mulder, grab his tail!

Mulder: Grab his tail? Are you out of your mind?

Jahar9: Are you?

Sidney: A double attack this is, NorZacIsTay the slurpy is about to sit on Scully! Well now, proves that it has a butt it does.

Jahar9: And Scully's about to meet it firsthand.

Believer: I am glad I'm not down there.

Mulder: Can't you people do something besides sit up there and yabber?

Sidney: Against the rules that is.

Believer: What rules?

Jahar9: The rules we don't have.

Believer: Ahhh.

Sidney: Mean that does that we can help them, yes? Perhaps ask someone we should.

Chewie: RoooaaoaoaR. (Translation: I could get one of my homies to fly down from space and clobber that stupid cow.)

Sidney: Do that would you for us?

Jahar9: How the heck does she know all of these languages???

Darth Vader: *breathes in and out* Obee Wan has taught her well.

Yoda: In this story you are not!! Get out! *Darth Vader disappears*

Mulder: That is it! I have HAD it! *reaches into a plot hole and takes out a cricket gun from Men in Black* Asta la vista, mad cow.

NorZacIsTay: Uh-oh...

Jahar9: Ohhh, so now we're reaching into plot holes, are we? And the plot thickens....

Believer: For once could you say something that would make sense to someone who was in their right mind?

Jahar9: Now what fun would that be?

Mulder: You stupid cow! You're going down! *Fires gun*

*Everyone covers ears while Mulder fires the gun and NorZacIsTay the Cow is blasted back in time*

Sidney: Think I do that NorZacIsTay is back in time.

Mulder: Hey, it's more fun that way!

*In the time of the Mercora...*

NorZacIsTay the Cow: Hey, hey, I come in peace!

Nesk: No one comes in peace here!

NorZacIsTay the Cow: NOOOO!

*In "normal" time*

Jahar9: He certainly deserved that. How far did you send him back?

Mulder: Prehistoric times.

Believer: Hate to spoil this press conference, but NorZacIsTay the Slurpy is still here, and he's still spraying radioactive goop.

Sidney: Running on low he is.

Jahar9: He's going to leak to death.

Chewie: Rowaraowww. (Down with anything infused with Hanson DNA)

Sidney: Agree I do, down with Hanson!

*PK Walks in, along with Pigeon, who just returned from the hospital*

PK: Take that back.

Pigeon: Hanson rules!

Jahar9: Look! NorZacIsTay is melting!

*Scully smiles and looks up from the heating controls*

Sidney: A smart move that was.

Jahar9: Yepper.

Pigeon: Yepper? Where'd you get that one?

Jahar9: We'll bother with that later..but it looks like this match is finally over!

All: YEAH!!!

*Confetti and balloons rain down in the CDM Auditorium*

Believer: The janitor is going to have quite a mess to clean up tonight.

Jahar9: I think the janitor is on vacation anyway, but I know who's not.

*IRS walks in*

Sidney: Oh no....

Jahar9: *hurriedly* OK, join us next time for match 5 1/2, Weirdo Celebrity Death Match Commentators, Mulder and Scully vs. the IRS.

Believer: Who scheduled that one?

Jahar9: The IRS just did. We're a year behind on our taxes!

Sidney: Who got Mulder and Scully in on it?

Jahar9: Yeah, federal employees versus federal employees?

Believer: It happens all the time.

Jahar9: You would know.

Believer: I would.

Sidney: And forget you should not about Round Six..

Jahar9: Which appropriately comes after 5 1/2...

Sidney: Hanson Vs. NSTINK.

Believer: You mean NSYNC.

Sidney: No I don't.

Jahar9: And just a footnote. *Looks at her shoe* We will be having mystery commentators and a mystery refferee for match number 5.5

All: Bye!

Let's get ready to rumble!: CDM 5